Young Writers Society

Sean Pendre wrote:comments are unappreciated.

I'm not sure what you mean by that?

But okay off to the poem itself.

Hatred and Pain both of kin alike,
Shadows that cast Fear at night,
Betrayal and Struggle fueling their fight.

This stanza seems nothing less than a bunch of statements, either there's a lack of flow between the sentences or you've done it this way to make it rhyme -which is called forced rhyming- Forced rhyming damages the scene for it is easy to discover, if you have indeed used forced rhyming, I best suggest you that a poem does not have to rhyme.

Also you've capitalized all the italic words I marked in this stanza, why? Might I remind you that there are certain lines you must follow when using capitalization. And I see no reason for these words being capitalized. Throughout the whole poem I see other words that have been capitalized as well. No need for that.

Blood has run on a hardened blade,
Casting images of a swallowing Fury,
Too often for Revenge.

The way you left "a" out made those sentences seem like a statements again, which struggles against the flow.

Light diminished by a cruel Power,
Corruption's overruling Justice,
Rightness has been left astray.

Well okay, I don't want to be boring and repeat myself too often but I hope you understand what I mean with these statements. I'm just going to add some things up now.

All the Hope hath long a gone,
Leaving Mortals with no song,
No Strength to carry through,

Sudden old English? well there appears to be a rhymescene here which hasn't appeared since the first stanza. I'd suggest you create a pattern with your rhymingscenes.

Death, Decay hath taken hold,
Leaving us its lasting screams,
No escape from what lies beyond,

We hath doomed us all.

There's actually nothing wrong with this stanza except for the capitalization, but okay you've already heard that

Well overall, for a 30-second rough draft it was o-kay, here comes the but if you really want this to be something instead of just a "30-second rough draft" I'd highly suggest a re-write

That's All

Cheerios, Chandni